I haven’t had a chance to write in a couple of days. Things have been busy around here and I have been trying to get things taken care of.  There was a day last week that I feel I really need to write about.  These are the times that I have had a hard time talking about b/c I feel guilty and that is an area I am working on. 

 So I read somewhere that parents of a child with Autism can be made to feel inadequate no matter how much they try.  Well that could have not felt more true to me then it did the other day.  I had started the day making him and his sister breakfast like always.  I also have been working on his charts for a couple of days to help his behavior.  Then I spent sometime with him building a boat dock out of his Lego’s.  We were making a movie about a shark that destroyed the dock and the people had to escape on a boat.  It was a lot of fun and we enjoyed it.  I also jumped with him on his trampoline.  But then I had work to do. So I sent Gavin outside to play and laid Ally down for a nap. Gavin of course Gavin kept needing things or wanting my help. I do I have always done to try and avoid tantrums and crying which is tend to his every need to make him content thinking that this will allow me to do what I need to, not realizing that I couldn’t be more wrong.  After what felt like 500 trips in and out for him and I think he stayed out there for maybe 15 minutes after I finally got to sit down. He got a pencil from my sister Taylor and sat next to me and started sharpening it.  He then asked me every 30 seconds to look,look,look. No joke either it really was every 30 seconds.  So after about 5 minutes of that over and over again I was beginning to really loose my patience and it was showing.  He finally got it sharpened and started scribbling on a piece of paper.  Then he rolled it up and was pretending to be a mail man and delivered it to me. Even though I was busy working on something I still played along.  I opened it and made something up to read to him that I thought was funny, guess he didn’t.  He said no that is not what it said and then started to try and tell me but I didn’t follow.  It is really hard to follow some of the things he says b/c that is part of his speech delays.  His receptive speech is behind.  He also got upset with me b/c I wasn’t looking every time he asked me to.  So I think I just lost it at that point and got up from the table and told my mom I needed a minute.  She said ok and I went to her room and just started crying.  That statement I started with said it all.  No matter what I did, how hard I tried or even if I managed to be perfect it was never going to be enough.  I know it not him being a brat.  I feel that he really had a hard time know that he is not the only one with needs and wants.  To him everything revolves around him.  It is also from where I have been the only one taking care of him for so long and I did do everything when he needed it.  But I am really working on that for the both of us.  So that is my story and I know that it has helped me to talk about it and it’s ok to take a minute and I shouldn’t feel guilty.